![Oregon Promises “Way Superior” Gay Marriage Bill Than Lame, Boring Washington State
February 1st, 2012
PORTLAND - In an impromptu press conference Wednesday night following the Washington state Senate’s passing of a marriage equality bill, Oregon governor John Kitzhaber praised his home state of Washington for “doing the right thing when American needed it”, however he followed his compliment with a challenge to the malaise-ridden, lame-o Washington state.
“You call that a marriage equality bill, Washington [state]? You think your gay citizens eating those tender little piroshkis in Pike Place Market on the weekends is going to make you look better than Oregon? Well, these blue jeans have other things coming down the ‘Pike’, if you will.”
Kitzhaber proposed a new bill for the House called “Oregon Citizens Super Equalified.” The bill would allow same-sex and transgender couples to marry as heterosexual couples do. However, OCSE would additionally allow a new family provision called “super marriages.”
A “super marriage” would allow any two married couples to marry their marriages.
“If marriage is, in the words of [weirdo Washington state] Senator Ed Murray, what defines American families”, continued Kitzhaber, “then we should conversely allow families to be defined as other families, too.”
Portland mayor Sam Adams, joining Kitzhaber at the press conference, provided more details for the OCSE bill. “Not only do we want Oregonians to marry whomever they want, we want their marriages to have that same freedom. And most importantly, we will make those Blaah-shingtonians up north jealous as hell of Oregon. And this is what matters most to this great state.”
However, opponents to the bill had weighed in immediately with e-mails sent to the local press at the conference. “I don’t think this bill will accomplish its goal nor enrich the lives of anybody in Oregon,” said Kitzhaber’s 2010 gubernatorial opponent and former NBA player Chris Dudley. “So-called ‘super’ marriages are only going to make that gaping waste of space between us and British Columbia laugh at us.”
To everyone’s surprise, Oregon anti-gay activist Lon Mabon provided some bipartisan support for the proposed OCSE bill. “Just the idea of two people who love each other but have different parts is immoral enough. And these super-marriages will not be tolerated by our proud anti-lesbionic citizens. But if anything can make those crappy Windows-makin’, digital-smut-peddlin’, flabby-vegan-doughnut-eatin’, latté-enema-havin’, not-havin’-booze-at-strip-clubs-goin’ sickos of the state of Washington state, I will cross lines and stand by my fellow blue-jean wearing MAN!”](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyr9vmHfu81qai612o1_1280.jpg)
Oregon Promises “Way Superior” Gay Marriage Bill Than Lame, Boring Washington State
February 1st, 2012
PORTLAND - In an impromptu press conference Wednesday night following the Washington state Senate’s passing of a marriage equality bill, Oregon governor John Kitzhaber praised his home state of Washington for “doing the right thing when American needed it”, however he followed his compliment with a challenge to the malaise-ridden, lame-o Washington state.
“You call that a marriage equality bill, Washington [state]? You think your gay citizens eating those tender little piroshkis in Pike Place Market on the weekends is going to make you look better than Oregon? Well, these blue jeans have other things coming down the ‘Pike’, if you will.”
Kitzhaber proposed a new bill for the House called “Oregon Citizens Super Equalified.” The bill would allow same-sex and transgender couples to marry as heterosexual couples do. However, OCSE would additionally allow a new family provision called “super marriages.”
A “super marriage” would allow any two married couples to marry their marriages.
“If marriage is, in the words of [weirdo Washington state] Senator Ed Murray, what defines American families”, continued Kitzhaber, “then we should conversely allow families to be defined as other families, too.”
Portland mayor Sam Adams, joining Kitzhaber at the press conference, provided more details for the OCSE bill. “Not only do we want Oregonians to marry whomever they want, we want their marriages to have that same freedom. And most importantly, we will make those Blaah-shingtonians up north jealous as hell of Oregon. And this is what matters most to this great state.”
However, opponents to the bill had weighed in immediately with e-mails sent to the local press at the conference. “I don’t think this bill will accomplish its goal nor enrich the lives of anybody in Oregon,” said Kitzhaber’s 2010 gubernatorial opponent and former NBA player Chris Dudley. “So-called ‘super’ marriages are only going to make that gaping waste of space between us and British Columbia laugh at us.”
To everyone’s surprise, Oregon anti-gay activist Lon Mabon provided some bipartisan support for the proposed OCSE bill. “Just the idea of two people who love each other but have different parts is immoral enough. And these super-marriages will not be tolerated by our proud anti-lesbionic citizens. But if anything can make those crappy Windows-makin’, digital-smut-peddlin’, flabby-vegan-doughnut-eatin’, latté-enema-havin’, not-havin’-booze-at-strip-clubs-goin’ sickos of the state of Washington state, I will cross lines and stand by my fellow blue-jean wearing MAN!”
